Today you're going to see how moving on from someone you love is possible with 2 simple steps.
I know, it's hard to know which way to turn, and if your turmoil will ever be over when you break up. I've been there, it's tough. I've researched love for 14 years+, published books on love, and shared many lessons on love over the years.
Now I will show you how to move on from your ex.
Let's get into it...
Take a look at this 2-minute clip from the film Gia.
This pivotal scene has Linda, Gia’s lover, make an ultimatum:
Me, or the drugs.
Linda says this because her life with Gia and her drug taking is unbearable.
What she really means is:
When we leave someone - or they leave us as Linda does Gia - and we still feel love for them, we must come to terms with this by knowing:
by coming to terms with these two point you set the stage of your moving on from your ex (and their moving on from you).
When me and my ex first met we couldn’t get enough of each other. She said she loved me, and I her because that is how I felt at the time. But there was no way it was going to work. We were passionate when we were together, but we fought like cat and dog at times. Through tearful eyes, we agreed we should split.
She was always on my mind and I would constantly say to myself:
Who was I kidding; the end was the end!
I knew it even more when I saw her with another man on the train. But I still wanted to call, text, or just bump into her in a shop, a bar, on the train alone, just anywhere.
At home, all alone, I paced floors, lay in dark rooms and sat out in the cold of the night holding back tears and an overwhelming urge to call her just to hear her voice one last time.
And when we meet again, I told myself, we would say sorry, softly kiss and then she would be mine once more, only this time things would be different.
I know now it makes no sense. I was just going crazy!
Like every lover before me, I did my best to think of other things, but every time I saw a girl with the same hairstyle, or one who walked like her, or when I heard a laugh like hers in a café or at work, I would take a second look. Then I would be back to square one. She was on my mind once more.
That was when I realized I had to move on from my ex with a 2-step strategy.
Step #1 Choose To Move On
At some point, your relationship will be ready to end. It may be that you want to end it; or that your lover says they want you gone. Or like me, we just agreed the end was upon us.
Whatever the trigger, you must take a deep breath and accept, this is the end.
Soon after that (more formal) end, it is time for you to choose to move on.
It may sound odd that you choose to move on, especially if it wasn't you who ended the relationship, but in your mind, you must knowingly bring an end the 3 foundations of your relationship. This will allow you to re-gear your lifestyle without them in it.
You do so by saying the following to yourself about your lover:
You must also end all 3 foundations of your relationship at the same time. Not 1 then 2, then 3, or any other strange order. All 3 must end at once.
Once ended, you must then re-gear your life. A life with an ex, not a lover.
This may mean moving out of shared accommodation, focusing on friends who share a different orbit from your ex, going to places where you won't bump into one another and if you work together considering switching to another department or even another company.
Finally, you must enforce your ending of the 3 foundations of your relationship. Where your ex seeks to rely upon any of them remind yourself, and them, that you have moved on and that they must move on in the same way.
Step #2 Emotional Recovery
Now it's time to overcome your feelings for your ex and the life you shared with them.
If you are resolute on step 1, this step will be quite smooth. If you are not, this step will be troublesome or may not work at all. It is important, therefore, that step 1 is applied in full if you are to truly succeed in getting over your ex.
To emotionally recover, you have 3 hurdles that you must get over:
The first hurdle is the hardest as breaking attachment bonds is always painful. I described moments ago how I felt when splitting up with my ex.
I paced floors, lay in dark rooms and sat out in the cold of the night holding back tears and an overwhelming urge to call her just to hear her voice one last time.
All the whys, hows and if-onlys, and all the rehearsals of what I'd say and do when we met again were on my mind each hour, day, week and month. My only respite was when I slept or put my mind to a task.
There is a reason why she was always on my mind. The feelings of attachment involved in love; you know, those feelings of butterflies when you see your lover after a long absence, and the utter agony when they are away for a few days. The joy you feel when they are happy in your company and the wretchedness you feel when they are in sorrow. These feelings are brought on by your brain chemistry. When in love your brain is exposed to changing levels of dopamine, oxycontin, serotonin and endorphin all the time. These chemicals have you addicted to your lover (now your ex) and your brain won't easily let you move on.
But over time, there is a trend. After 3 months, my ex was on my mind half of the time compared to all of the time when we first broke up. 3 months after that, half of the time again, and 3 months later half again. Her being on my mind seemed to work like radio-active decay in half-lives every 3 months.
It was not that I was forgetting her. Never! I will always remember her and our time together. It was that my brain chemistry was fixing itself and more importantly for my sanity, I was naturally moving on, and I felt my heavy sense of loss was ebbing away.
But those 9 months I found were important in another way, as will you. The worry I carried for my ex also ebbed away. Early on, when we first split up, I wanted to know where she was, what she was doing and if she was okay, not because I wanted to control her, or own her, but because I worried about her. Letting go of that worry took time too, and it will take time for you.
Finally, the 9 months of half-lives was successful because I moved on in lifestyle both physically and emotionally. When you are romantically involved your life becomes a community of two. The longer the relationship, the more ingrained the community is in your everyday living and psyche.
By doing different things on breakup such as a new job, new clubs and activities, socializing within a different orbit and so on, you put your body and mind into an new way of life. You break habits and create new ones with new memories. This is crucial to moving on emotionally as it frees you of triggers that take your mind back to old times where you long to be there with your lover once more.
This is important on a second front too. Breaking up is a huge confidence hit. Picking yourself up, dusting yourself down emotionally and getting yourself out there with a determination that you are stronger and wiser is the best way to build your new life with a new lover who will be the one you have been looking for all of your life.
Step #1 Choose To Move On
Step #2 Emotional Recovery
Now I'd like to hear from you:
What has been the hardest part about moving on from your ex?
What advice would you give to others to help them get over their ex?
Let me know by leaving a comment below right now.
and help others in their quest with love --->>
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