I doubt you would disagree, true love never runs smooth.
At times it feels like things will never work out. I’ve been there. I know how it feels.
After 15 years of researching love and 30 years with my beloved, success in love can be achieved with just 4 keys.
#1: Finding Your Balance in a Community of Two
Once you tell your lover, I love you, and they say the same with the genuine feelings behind those three words each of you:
All three together lock you into a community of two. [More on love defined here]. And yet, beyond your tiny community you are an individual in your own right, right?
Finding the balance between you, as you, and your community of two is critical to successful love.
To find this balance you must decide how independent you wish to be. It is important to understand, you are free. How you feel about your lover, and how you live your life with them are different questions.
For example, some successful couples live in separate houses, keeping separate finances and come and go as they please. Others are so interdependent they cannot imagine separation from any aspect of their joint life. To the extreme, some lovers are so dependent on their lover they are socially and emotionally dysfunctional without them.
Enabling love's achievements
There are 3 more keys that you need to achieve in love, and your lover must do the same:
Let's look at each in turn:
#2: The Good Life
You weigh up the good times and the bad, the highs and the lows, and the rough and the smooth and say, it has been good, it is good, and it will be good. Your lover is an integral part of your experience so they, in a sense, bring about your good life. This means you bring about their good life too through shared experience. And so, achieving the good life is done within the community of two and is only successful when you (and they) do the following:
Being there, learning, opening up, showing forgiveness and communication are all critical to the good life. [Here is a snippet on the good life from Ask Cam]
#3: Needs, Rights and Values
The way you balance giving and gaining is to know:
#4: Maintaining a Sense of Perfection
How do you view your lover? Are they special, unique, good or perfect? In love, you see your lover differently than you do anyone else. You know they are not perfect per se. Everyone has flaws. And yet, their flaws are theirs alone and they, along with their other traits, make your lover the person they are. In love, perfection like this is perfect-imperfection. You can hear this sang by John Legend in All of Me.
Growing Your Lover’s Identity?
Through time spent together, you pick up details of your lover’s physical attributes, their beliefs, the things they tell you of their past, the things they do now, what others tell you about them and so on. As you collect these details, you build a mosaic. Your lover’s ever-growing mosaic is your overall view of who they are.
The Smoothing Stradivarius Effect
If you analyse with a computer the music of a Stradivarius violin played well you will find each note is surrounded with noise because the instrument is hand made and imperfect, the bowstring is natural and uneven, and the player is not a computer playing precisely. Nevertheless, the violin when played well is beautiful to our ears regardless of the imperfections surrounding each note. When applied to the lover’s identity mosaic the good things the lover does that you like are the true notes of the violin, the less likeable things – they always leave toast crumbs in the marmalade, their shoes in the hallway and never put the cap back on the toothpaste – are the noise between the notes. Together they make an endearing perfect-imperfect picture of your lover.
The Filtering Veil of Assent
Even the greatest violinist can play a bum note. Then the Stradivarius effect makes no difference; the violin is imperfect. For this reason, you must filter out what goes into your lover’s mosaic. You do this by placing an imaginary veil in front of the mosaic and say, only things of relevance can be added to my lover’s identity; everything else stays out.
Most of the time you do all of this without realising, but that’s how identity works.
How Do I Keep my Lover the Perfect-Imperfect?
By bringing the mosaic, the Stradivarius effect and the veil of assent together, you recognise that you have an identity of perfect-imperfection to maintain in your lover. Following these points will help:
Love is a community of two; you, like your lover, think the other is worth untold riches; you are committed to their welfare; you are deeply attached to them.
And yet, you are free! You must work out what this freedom means in regard to independence, interdependence or dependence. #1
With this in mind, remember you both seek:
You will achieve these things by:
These are the 4 keys to a success in love.
And if you want to know more detail on love defined check out this link.
Now I'd like to hear from you.
Which of the 4 keys would make the biggest difference in your loving relationship?
Or maybe I didn't mention a key that you know of?
Either way, let me know by leaving a comment right now.
And hey, don't forget to share the post (shares to the right ->) with your friends and followers. We all need a few helpful pointers in love now and again.
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