How Do You Reach Ultimate Intimacy in Love (the 7 layers)

7 layers of ultimate intimacy

As you get to know your lover, and over the long term stay in love with them, intimacy becomes a crucial part of your relationship.
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But intimacy has many dimensions and mastering it takes a little understanding.

I will show you the 7 layers of intimacy and how they come together to strengthen your loving relationship.

If you think about yourself like a Russian doll of layers within layers, you have  seven in all.

The same is true of your lover.

• Aesthetic - the outer physical you. Without this layer, you would not exist physically, nor would you be able to sense the world around you in terms of sight, taste, touch, hearing and smell or connect with the physical world.


• Presentation – the psychological you. Your deeds and words are done at this layer. Without this layer, you would have no personality as your inner-psyche would have no means to interact with the outer real world.


• Perceptive – the sense-perception you. Sight, smell, touch, taste and hear¬ing, and many lesser-known senses are done at this layer. Without it, you cannot ex¬perience reality or feel the needs of yourself like hunger, thirst, tiredness, etc.


• Limbic – the psychological-perception you. This layer is the seat of your intuition, where you sense the emotions of self and others or feel the void where there is an absence of emotional connection. Without the limbic layer, you cannot connect emotionally with others.


• Memory – the remembering you. This layer is not just about storing and recalling old memories; it is about what has just happened (retain), is happening (obtain) and about to happen (protain). Without the memory layer, you could not process in¬formation or interact with the world to counteract imminent danger and fulfil current and long-term needs.


• Cognitive – the thinking you. This layer receives information from your memory, limbic, perception and presentation layers, processes this infor¬mation with the subsystem Reason and then interacts with the world at large through your presentation layer. Without this layer, you would act on instinct alone, based on the subsystems of Fear, Desire and passion (Thymos) from your conative layer below.


• Conative – the inner subconscious, unfettered thinking you. This layer includes three subsystems: Fear, Desire and Thymos. These three percolate away and prick the cognitive you as you work out what you want, what you need and what is going on around you.

Each layer is more intimate than the one before.

As you go deeper into you, you go wider too, like the pyramid below.​​

And so, to find real intimacy in love:

For instance, delving into your memories from your Memory layer and why each memory is important to you, is much more expansive than your Aesthetic layer, which is all about your appearance, not your substance.

Your Conative delves into your fears, desires and passions which is incredibly intimate.​

Pyramid of Imtimacy

You have to be prepared to let your lover delve deep into your pyramid to see who you are and more importantly why you are.

But, you have to be careful. Deep down, your fears, desires and passions can be damaging to share. You will also have memories that only you should know.

Are you keeping your lover in the dark when you don't share these?

No! and here's why:

• They are a part of you and to share them, you will lose a part of you.
  
  
• To share them you will damage your identity in your lover’s mind. Your lover knows you based all you have done and all you have said so far. To share your deepest thoughts and histories which have no meaning in the now, would bring harm to you both.
  
  Don’t misunderstand me here. I am not talking about keeping secrets of past wrongs. I mean, nobody can control the things their Conative mind thinks. Fears, desires and passions simply spring to mind. You should not share those thoughts, nor ask your lover to share theirs as they have little point to your relationship.
  
  
• Sharing depth and breadth is a long and slow process of trust. You, nor your lover should open your soul easily. I’ve been hurt in the past by lovers who have left me, or I have left them, and what concerns me most is will they keep the things I have shared with them secret as I will of them. You and they will have these same concerns.
  
  Take your time and expose more of your pyramid over time as trust develops.
  
  

This final point is crucial if you are to reach ultimate intimacy in love.

Only by sharing depth and breadth does trust develop, and trust is crucial for love to flourish.

There is a balance, therefore, as to how deeply you share yourself, and how deeply should you expect your lover to share with you. With such depth, how wide in context.

Now it is over to you. Have a think about the seven layers and how they work in your relationship. How can you let your lover in to your soul more and develop that trust, and in return how can you get to know your lover more.

Did I miss anything?

Leave a comment on how you intend to develop your loving relationship.

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Find more details on love and intimacy in my book here

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When looking at intimacy in love, this is how you should see it.