Why Won't They Tell Me They Love Me?

After sex, she lays her head on his chest as he snoozes and says, 'I love you.'

He opens his eyes and thinks for a moment, then closes them. Did she sense his movement? Silence fills the gap between them. He knows this is the end of the road.
​
They met just days before. He has money, lots of it; she has none!

Her words of love are not hollow. She genuinely feels herself falling in love with him, and she wants him to know. And yet, he is not the right man for her.

She feels pangs of guilt and drags herself off him. Laying her head gently on her pillow, a tear rolls from the corner of her eye, over her cheek and disappears into the white, silk pillowcase. I do love him, she says to herself, but I cannot love him.

The next morning at 10 he is alone in the office. The phone, at last, is silent. He left her sleeping at 5:30 am. With the big deal closed, the pressure is off. How should I celebrate? The view across the cityscape is magnificent from the 88th floor as sunrays break through the woollen clouds. Does she really love me? he wonders. Do I love her? Should I love her? He can see her smile in his mind's eye. Her slender, thin lips lightly covered in red lipstick. He remembers her sweet, musky smell as they made love last night.

He reclines in his $10,000, leather chair. The phone rings, breaking into his moment alone.

Not now, Jenny," he snaps, pressing the conference button.

"It's John from Hester and Horowitz."

"I'm out!"

"It's urgent."

​"Damn it!" He's about to pick up. Urgent is his life. His conception was urgent, his mother's trip to give birth to him was urgent. His education was urgent, his dating and first marriage were urgent. His first million dollars were urgent. Every deal is urgent. His heart doctor's appointment is urgent.

He picks up his jacket and car keys and leaves, walking past Jenny with the phone to her ear and a confused look on her face.

The phone rings. She picks up tentatively. "Hello?"

"It's me," he says.

"Oh, hi."

"I've sent a car to collect you. Pack your things."

"Oh, okay."

Slowly she puts the phone down. Her knees feel weak. She is sickened by what's just happened. Sitting down, she thinks back to her telling him she loves him. Why did I say that? Why did I say that? Why? He was awake! He heard me! Why! She hits her forehead with the heel of her hand. Why, why, why?!

The sound of a car horn pulls her out of her deepening thoughts of regret. Taking a deep breath, she wipes away the tears she did not realise she was shedding. In the bedroom, she stuffs her clothes into her case, including those he bought for her. At the dresser, she pulls a few knots out of her hair and notices the gold necklace he gave her over dinner. She removes it and drops it on the dresser as she leaves the room.

As the limousine pulls up in front of the airport hanger, the door is opened for her. She is confused: this is not her neighbourhood, and she has no money for a cab home. Reluctantly, she clambers out of the safety of the darkness of the limousine. The brightness of the mid-morning sun puts everything around her in shadows and dazzling silver silhouettes. She thinks it is him, standing some 10 yards away by the steps of a plane. She holds still to let her eyes adjust. She wants to understand more, but her senses are in disarray with strange noises, smells, dazzling lights and shadows, and the emotional torment of the journey here.

He slowly walks to her. "It's okay," he says. "It's me." She is silent. He reaches out and touches her cheek with the palm of his hand; a hand once so soft and caring. She pulls away.

He looks into her reddened eyes. "Last night, you said you love…"

"Stop! Please stop," she says. She cannot bear those words a moment longer. In a split moment, she sees how he has planned this end. Him, the meticulous planner! True to form! 'You know I can't love you', he will say. 'We agreed - you agreed - this was a good-time, not a long-time, thing. But I want to thank you and give you this.' Then he will empty his wallet for me, climb into his Learjet, and I will climb into the limo. And life will go on. For him, it will, anyhow!

If not for my I love you's last night, he may have fallen in love with me, given time. Now she will carry those three words forever, like a millstone because in her heart-of-hearts he is the right man for her.

"No, please. I want you to hear me out," he pleads.

​"Give me the speech. I know the drill," she says. Her aim of delivering a hard-nosed who cares anymore-ism is lost in her eyes. She cannot hide her deep, agonising pain. He looks into them and sees the true pain of love lost, and suddenly, the same pain fills and overwhelms him. "Oh," he whimpers. It is too much for him to bear. He wants to curl up and die. He walks to the Learjet. Such seething pain! Like a coward, he needs to be somewhere else. He clambers up the steps and sits in the plane.

Men leaving her is nothing new, she has had more than her fair share of men who say they love her, then up-sticks and disappear. Some have told her upfront they are leaving, the weaklings have left notes on the nightstand saying, you’re best off without me, and others - the cowards - have left without a word. None who have left have devastated her this much. From where she stands, she cannot see a future without him, even though he has only been in her life for a week. How strange is that!

“Stop!” he tells the pilot. This is wrong! This is wrong! Deep in his belly, it feels blatantly wrong to fly to Saint Kitts without her. “Drop the steps back down.”

Through teary eyes, she tracks his form - framed in a silver silhouette - coming down the jet's steps and approach her. "Jess, I love you. I love you; I love you, I love you," he says.

Without thought, she reaches her arms around his saintly, silhouette and hugs him so tightly she can't breathe. They kiss. 'I love you. I do! I love you!" she says as she kisses him once more. "Take me with you, James."

​Together they climb aboard the Learjet, bound to the beautiful Caribbean where they marry.

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​I do hope you enjoyed the story.

Did you get what happened between the lovers?

If not, let me explain:

There is a difference between feeling love and the commitment of love. Either or both can be meant when saying I love you, but they mean different things.

Early on in the story, Jess says I love you, to James, telling him how she felt, not that she was committing herself to him (she knew he was not the right man for her). At the same time, James would not say I love you back because he did not want to confuse Jess in thinking he was committing himself to her.

​By the end, James said I love you, meaning: I am committed to you, and I feel love for you too. A commitment that will, in his mind, result in their marriage. And at the same time, Jess also says she loves him, which goes beyond her earlier feelings. She is now ready to be with him.

What does this all mean in day-to-day life?

Some people struggle with saying I love you, especially in the early days of a relationship because to them it means true love:

• You are worth all the riches of the world and more
• I am emotionally attached to you, and never want to lose you from my life
• I am committed to being there for you wherever and whenever you need me

For these people, such a commitment through love is life-changing and not taken lightly.

And yet, some people will say I love you all day long, without considering the term as a commitment. For them, they are sharing their feelings because feelings are important in their relationship.

In the early days of a relationship, such sharing of feelings can cause misunderstanding as seen in the story. But later on, where the lovers are living together, saying I love you frequently serves as a kind of…

this is my best way of describing how I feel right now, and that is: I feel warm, safe, at home and loved when I am with you…

…as seen in the story early on.

So my advice is:

encourage your lover to express their feelings even if the best way they express them is by simply saying I love you.

But remember, early on in a relationship, asking your loved one to say I love you may be seen as more than sharing the warm fuzzies. You may be putting them on the spot by asking them to commit to you when they are not quite ready to do so.

Now I'd like to hear from you:

How does Jess and James' story relate to your life?
What will you do to express your love to your lover?
What can you do to have your lover express themselves better to you?

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