The Simple Answer To The Question
What Is This Thing Called Love
Sue looked over her coffee cup scornfully. “You don't know what love is, do you!”
I was fit to burst!
With over a decade of research behind me, she tells me I know nothing!
I bit my tongue as Martin Luther King's words rang in my ears:
I was fit to burst!
With over a decade of research behind me, she tells me I know nothing!
I bit my tongue as Martin Luther King's words rang in my ears:
Forgive them for they know not what they do.
Dr Martin Luther King Jr. 1929-1968
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These words that Kink Jr. quotes from Strength to Love tell of those who cannot see because they do not see.
Only by lifting the blinding veil of common belief can we reveal the truth that lies beneath. Newton, Einstein, Copernicus, Galileo and many others rejected common belief to reveal truths that changed our world. Those who doubted them were not divisive or evil in intent; they were merely blinded by the culture that surrounds them. |
“Sue, I get it. You know what love stands for from everything around you. Sacrifice, unconditional love, feelings that run deep to the soul. But, give me five minutes, and I’ll give you a a taste of real love.”
Love Defined
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The late-20th-century philosopher Irving Singer who worked on love most of his professional life said about love:
through an appraising relationship, the lover bestows value upon their beloved as they grow attached and commit to the beloved. |
Prof Irving Singer 1925-2015
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I know as a definition of love this sounds long-winded, but when we break it apart, love is simple.
An Appraising Relationship
From the moment you meet your lover you never stop evaluating them and your relationship consciously and subconsciously. Plato nearly four thousand years ago showed that we love other people because we want to hold on to happiness; we want a good life and know that a good life comes with loving relationships.
In practice however, love is never plain sailing.
Sometimes you feel gratified or frustrated, fulfilled or disillusioned, strengthened or weakened in love. Your perception of your lover and your relationship changes over time because of these feelings.
In practice however, love is never plain sailing.
Sometimes you feel gratified or frustrated, fulfilled or disillusioned, strengthened or weakened in love. Your perception of your lover and your relationship changes over time because of these feelings.
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Elle Henderson sings about this in her song Hard Work. Her life with her lover is full of ups or downs, rough or smooth, or easy or tough times and she evaluates—or appraises--her lover against these times. Nevertheless, she concludes her lover is magnificent and that things overall are good which is why she celebrates her love. If ever she concludes differently the song would be of a different tune to reflect a different outcome.
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But let us be careful, your appraising to stay or leave your lover depending on a good or a bad life with them is not the same as saying you FEEL less or more in love with them. Such feelings relate to attachment which I will cover in a few moments.
Bestowal of Value
The value you bestow upon your lover is nothing like the value of gold or a house.
Gold is a commodity which you buy and sell at a market price.
Houses are bought and sold as objects of usefulness. That is why different people pay a different price for the same house; some find more use than others.
Loving value is very different than the price of gold and homes. It represents past, current and future good with a person who you need and who needs you. It is based on your shared good life together.
Simply put, your lover is unique, irreplaceable and specific to you and your life, as you are to theirs. This is why you believe your lover is worth more than all the riches in the world. For many this is what love stands for.
Gold is a commodity which you buy and sell at a market price.
Houses are bought and sold as objects of usefulness. That is why different people pay a different price for the same house; some find more use than others.
Loving value is very different than the price of gold and homes. It represents past, current and future good with a person who you need and who needs you. It is based on your shared good life together.
Simply put, your lover is unique, irreplaceable and specific to you and your life, as you are to theirs. This is why you believe your lover is worth more than all the riches in the world. For many this is what love stands for.
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You can see this kind of value in the film Indecent Proposal where David and Dianna are paid a million dollars for her to spend the night with John.
Although at first David feels jealousy when Dianna leaves for the night, his mind soon switches to her value as he loses her to her new rich lover. It is a lover's immense value that defines this film. |
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Could you ever trade your lover for money?
The film tells us a resounding no!
The film tells us a resounding no!
Attachment
When people talk of feeling love, attachment is what they mean.
Underneath your civil, well-to-do mantle is your mammalian heart and mind. Like cats, dogs and other nurturing mammals we cannot escape the feeling of biological attachment when we are with and away from our lover.
Lewis, Amini and Lannon in their book A General Theory of Love describe love as limbic resonance where:
Underneath your civil, well-to-do mantle is your mammalian heart and mind. Like cats, dogs and other nurturing mammals we cannot escape the feeling of biological attachment when we are with and away from our lover.
Lewis, Amini and Lannon in their book A General Theory of Love describe love as limbic resonance where:
Two mammals become attuned to each other’s inner states.
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They go on:
when together there is wordless harmony that is often taken for granted between a parent and their child, a child and their dog and lovers over a candle-lit dinner table. |
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You feel love most when you are apart from your lover.
Feelings of restless with an overwhelming need to contact them (if only for a moment) consume you as you grapple with the mental turmoil of loss. Adele describes such lover's anxiety in her song Crazy For You. When you hear the term love sick attachment is what is going on. |
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Although attachment is labelled love by many, it is a feeling that informs you whether to love. Read on and you will understand how this all fits together.
Commitment
When you say I love you, you are promising to your lover:
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because of my attachment to you, and your value to me I will be there for you wherever and whenever I can. That is a significant promise!
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For some romantic lovers for example this commitment to be there wherever and whenever includes living together, but not necessarily living in each other’s pockets: one may seek independence more than interdependence. Another lover may seek dependence so much that they lose the sense of who they are without their lover by their side.
Commitment therefore does not mean being there for your lover always. It means being a part of their life, and them yours, as agreed between you. This could mean high physical attendance as well as purposeful absence and, alas, times of absence in error, or a distant relationship where communication is by phone, video and email.
Regardless of physical closeness, commitment is a serious undertaking to attend and tend to your lover in any way you can.
Your pledge will only end when you tell them:
Commitment therefore does not mean being there for your lover always. It means being a part of their life, and them yours, as agreed between you. This could mean high physical attendance as well as purposeful absence and, alas, times of absence in error, or a distant relationship where communication is by phone, video and email.
Regardless of physical closeness, commitment is a serious undertaking to attend and tend to your lover in any way you can.
Your pledge will only end when you tell them:
I do not love you anymore.
I value you immensely because I have a relationship with you; I assure you of my commitment to be with you and look after you wherever and whenever possible; I am passionately proud to call you mine.
When you say the same to your lover, whoever they are, you are doing the same.
In Conclusion
By bringing the elements of appraising, value, attachment and commitment together, you should by now have a clearer view of love. Of importance, and where Sue and I disagreed is love’s unconditional sacrifice. This is an unachievable romantic ideal that many romantic lovers strive for, not the basis of true universal love.
When in love, you stand by your commitment to be there for your lover wherever and whenever because you are attached and value them immensely. Everybody loves like this, and I mean everyone: a romantic lover who loves their soulmate, a parent who loves their child and vice versa, a friend who loves their friend, a pet owner who loves their dog, a worshiper who loves God. You even love yourself in this way.
All the while you appraise them, consciously and subconsciously with feelings of gratification or frustration, fulfillment or disillusionment, strength or weakness or other opposing feelings as time goes by. These feelings will reflect how you see your lover and your time together now and in the future.
If overall you remain satisfied, you sense your attachment remains secure, and you believe in your commitment, you will continue to love your lover.
But–and here is where conditions count–if your relationship is not satisfying throughout your conscious and subconscious appraisal your attachment will wane, and the immense value you hold for them will diminish. Your final act, when these things happen, will be your withdrawal of the commitment pledge by saying 'I do not love you anymore.'
So when I, as a devoted husband, say to my wife, I love you, what I means is:
When in love, you stand by your commitment to be there for your lover wherever and whenever because you are attached and value them immensely. Everybody loves like this, and I mean everyone: a romantic lover who loves their soulmate, a parent who loves their child and vice versa, a friend who loves their friend, a pet owner who loves their dog, a worshiper who loves God. You even love yourself in this way.
All the while you appraise them, consciously and subconsciously with feelings of gratification or frustration, fulfillment or disillusionment, strength or weakness or other opposing feelings as time goes by. These feelings will reflect how you see your lover and your time together now and in the future.
If overall you remain satisfied, you sense your attachment remains secure, and you believe in your commitment, you will continue to love your lover.
But–and here is where conditions count–if your relationship is not satisfying throughout your conscious and subconscious appraisal your attachment will wane, and the immense value you hold for them will diminish. Your final act, when these things happen, will be your withdrawal of the commitment pledge by saying 'I do not love you anymore.'
So when I, as a devoted husband, say to my wife, I love you, what I means is: